I love being a mom to Calvin and Jack, but lately I sense I am missing something. I watch other people with my kids. Their eyes beam. They laugh from the heart. I feel like they have something that I don't.
I know I love Calvin and Jack deeply! But I am often willing myself to do and feel what I think I "should." I want my heart to overflow with joy.
I know that God designed me to love and experience joy. I am thankful that God is using my boys to challenge me. Recently Dan and I listened to a Tim Keller sermon titled "Blessed rest of self forgetfulness." It helped me define the problem a little better. Instead of focusing on my sweet boys, I watch myself, scoring my performance. I act out of pressure and duty and feel relief. I want to act out of selfless love and experience joy.
Already, I see glimpses of God helping me forget myself and gain joy. I've heard myself laugh a little more deeply with both boys recently. And I noticed myself pulling Jack close as an impulse and fully relaxing while rubbing Calvin's back before nap time. I guess I am glad I don't know what I have done to make this be.....I would turn it into a program and try to work at it. I am just thankful.
Maybe next time you see me, I'll look something like this! Talk about joy!